Individual. That's what you thought you were until you figured out you are just one small piece of all those who surround you. Until you see the person that looks like you shaking a folgers can on the side of the street. The look you gave that man, when you really looked at him, was love. Looked right into his eyes and couldn't escape yourself. Like looking into a store window you knew you couldn't afford to shop in.

I have the worst crush ever in life. And everytime i see you i get wiggly all over, and when i know ur sad i get upset. And i cant get close to u bc it would hurt too bad. I dont know what to do...:/ i feel like a bashful girl in middle school, but i guess it's all i've been through.

short and angry

i can't take this anymore...

watching my community disappear right in front of my eyes, how is Howard University an HBCU and the city of DC supposed to be Chocolate City and all i see are carefree white people jogging through like they own the place?

this is out of no malice towards the caucasian sect, but out of frustration as to their carelessness and sense of hubris when it comes to other people and their communities, cultures, and homes. why??

i'm quite sure there are some other properties to buy up and develop other than those of the black community. you first pushed them there because you thought they were savages now you want if back. f*cking indian givers. isnt that the term you all coined? about the other part of the black diasporic family?

im hurting

not a good look

my heart hurts. just knowing that this problem of race will never end...i can't stand to see what i am seeing and everyday it makes me sick. i wish i was cursed to live in ignorance...because knowing just hurts too bad. why why why? there really is no other question to ask at this point in life. i have a plan to fight back for my people. not out of the hate of anyone but out of the love of ourselves. we are only getting farther away from freedom, they have been trying to pull the sheep's wool over our eyes for so long and they have written a strategic manual telling the whole world how to get away with it. i have no respect for the institution that is calling itself America. f*ck a home of the free and brave. i know that may seem harsh, but it is really how i feel right now because so many people here are not free and definitely not brave because the a holes perpetuating this cycle of hate can't even do it out in the open. they still wear those white sheets...just in a different form...

this is like watching the love you have crumble in front of you. when i was young i made this promise and i still mean it. i will change the world. even if it is only one mind.

i'm geekin right now....

alter ego.

put on a protective mask,

just for all the hurt

you've felt in the past.

go alter ego.

keep on smiling,

and maybe then you will

keep from drowning

in your tears.

focus your mind on the task at hand...

worry not about what may come.

alter ego.

the only warmth in a cold world,

or maybe

alter ego

is what makes the world cold

in the first place.

before and after poem #dearex

before:

don't confuse me...

don't leave me hanging...

i am a hamster in a wheel with you,

you truly got me going in circles.

and not the good kind either.

one day everything is good,

the next you don't want to talk.

i found out you still bother with your ex.

we aren't together, but f*ck,

what about me?

and all i have put into this for you?

i have been beyond supportive,

beyond caring and understanding...

so now i am left with two choices...

be strung along like soap on a rope,

or let go....

after:

i deleted your number from my phone.

unadded you from my facebook,

and stopped following you on twitter.

took out the sexy pics you sent to my phone....

that was the hardest part...

but now i breathe without weight on my chest.

and you are just another post

on my blog.

blurb

when you stop hiding from yourself you really begin to realize the truths of your being. realization does not necessarily mean acceptance however. realization means the ability to see who you are and make need be changes. if you feel that you are fine the way you are, which would be an extremely hubris thing to say since we should always strive to grow, then stay how you are.

i have been on a constant journey of ending the game of self peek a boo. i am tired of hiding from me, so i do seek to find out things about myself everyday. whether it is in personal behaviors or mentality i try to find out something about me so that i meet myself all over again. it refreshes me....and sometimes uneases me because i know that i have the ability to do better sometimes.

eh, i think that's really all...i want to hook this blog up one day soon, but i need to sort out my schedule a little better than i have been.

goodnite blog people.

cry...

as a human being i feel as though i am susceptible to being hurt. but when hurt comes more than gratification one must learn how to channel those energies to other places as to not be let down any further.

i have not cried in almost a year...my eyes have been painfully dry and beyond my constant blinking i have been unable to moisten them.

sometimes i allow the shower water to crash onto my face just imitating the pattern of tears. i never thought i would wish to cry, but nothing seems to sadden me enough to force them from the hollow, barren ducts which once housed wells of salt water tears.

music moves my spirit. and although it causes my heart to shudder my eyes stay as empty as the day i held back my first cry. now, nearly a year later i am stuck in this purgatory of emotionless living. slipping into what i call "moods" to show my feelings because my face can't fully express what my soul is feeling.

the duality of my being sometimes fools even me. i do not understand my "moods" or when they will come....nor how long they will last or the severity of them.

i am not sure if anything can shake me from here but love or death.

scary right?

it's almost like i am not all the way human because no words or looks or actions can dethrone me from the nonchalance of my feeling...no matter how acute the urge is to just cry.

like a desert thirsting for water, i just have a hidden treasure of stuff that i want gone....just not sure how to make that happen.

metro...part1

they think Mya is Spook, but really Spook is Mya---

and that says a lot because people just don't get it. and people are too codependent sometimes, like they don't understand the difference between being a leech and being a bandaid. on one end people just latch onto others because they feel like that's what they have to do to be happy. but in reality we need to realize our oneness and accept ourselves and know ourselves. we need to see that our lives are interconnected with the lives of others, but that should not stop us from being us. i am not sure if i am properly conveying this through my typing...but there is so much i feel that people miss about themselves that it disables them when it comes to helping and assisting others.

i am not sure if i want the world to know me, they would be reckless with me.........eh---goodnite.

higher---(inspired by the song by tupac, lil wayne, and lauryn hill)

light the earth on fire and vibe with me.

throw on the marley's and tosh's and

blaze...

with me.

earth, wind, and fire---

yea, soulful like that.

for a reason.

enlightenment.

sit with me...

talk with me, we

can stumble upon some truth.

decipher some spike,

and let the ideas hit

our finger tips.

and let the green hit

our finger tips.

yup.

higher.

transcending humanness.

my thoughts for the day...

soo...i think there is a slight issue when my professor tells our class about her being at the club this past weekend, lol. it was pretty funny...

uhm, i don't want to cut on the news and see tiger woods apologizing for something that has nothing to do with myself or anything else that is relevant to society as a whole. as far as i'm concerned, tiger woods cheating on his wife is his family's issue, not the people who watch the 6oclock news.

...next, i do not appreciate BET (black exploitation tv) to show commercials that try to convince black youth that the army is supposed to be right for them and that it has something to offer. in my eyes, there is still an extreme contradiction there that was relevant back in the day, and is relevant now.

also!!!!!! i hate HOWARD POLITICS! i don't feel a need to elaborate. if you go to HU then you know.

---uuuuhhhh...there is a terrible schism in the diaspora...i was in an African hair braiding shop today and i can speak a tad french, and i just heard some things they were saying about black people in america, and i know the stereotypes given to Africans by black people. i am not sure at all how to even fix it....hmmmm

still on the subject of blackness, we need to take the radio back. otherwise the waves will continue to be filled with constant garbage that allows people to create these preconceived notions about black people, culture, and blackness.

next on the list....know that love will never save you. love won't protect you, and love is only a comfort to a fool. love will never keep someone around...no matter how many times you tell them or how many ways you show them, when someone wants to turn the page, trust me....they will :(

iiiii am afraid that i'm starting to like a certain someone, lol. hope you are reading this :)

america has people trapped inside this bubble of "sameness." like seriously...everything in this country is based off of its likeness to some old pasttime or familiarity with what was....take three popular snacks.....cheez its, goldfish, and those little cheese crackers from lance....they are all the same snack...and we feed them to our kids like it's something different, only limiting their tastes and trapping them in this superior mindset when it comes to food. same goes with gushers, fruit roll ups, and fruit snacks...it's the saaaammmme snack. over and over again. and people are getting stuck in this circle of "the same."--------------SAD!

ugh, those are just a few of the things that i thought about today....i'll catch y'all in the wind.

short something

my impatience shows signs of a full heart.

antsy to just get out the blocks and sprint to the finish

but too nervous to get on the line, fingertips down, heels up

head to the sky, but my eyes are squinted because of the sun's glare.

broken dreams

become

fixed nightmares.

a letter to Lauryn

dear Lauryn,

i wish you would come back. you see...your music pulled me from the bottom and put me on top. and you speak truth...something that the world desperately needs.

i never understood who i was until i was beneath the rubble of my once "perfect" life--it's so funny how we never realize what and who we are until everything starts to go wrong. and the truth hurts like hell Lauryn...i know you know what i mean--people calling you crazy and trying to convince you that that is your reality, when in all realness it is a fallacy created by the blind world.

i am not one to have regrets...all things have their reason and time and i am just so thankful that you came into my life at the time you did. now all i am asking you is to keep reaching out, i feel like you have so many answers....answers that people need to hear even when they have not yet asked the questions.

you said the world is a hustle and i do believe the same. it seems like you can never escape having to move and shake and for each aspect in which that is a positive there are so many more where they are negative. people are so petty and shady, they do not allow themselves the chance to open their third eye to themselves.

slowly but surely i am accepting all those things about myself which society may shun...slowly but surely...

and i want you to be there with me. even though i may never know you face to face, your music moves my soul. i can never listen to you without listening to you. i get emotional everytime i hear your voice, lol...even when i watch Sister Act 2---

your biggest fan,

Spook...

Well...i can personally say that i hate days like today. It's cold, cloudy, and i slept too late--but i suppose i should speak the positivity into existence, but i just don't feel it today. Guess i need some sun...but i'll be checking back in later.

I don't understand why we run from what's good for us--even when we see things working in our favor...humans suck sometimes :/

Love Letter

this is a letter. a letter to anyone willing to read it...and it is dedicated to someone...

well, lately things have really been coming together more and more for me--it's like i am beginning to realize that for every person i need in my life there are two more that i really don't need. it is very true that negative energies attract negative people. and when you aren't yourself with people that's the harboring of negativity. since i reached the point where i told people that i am me and nobody else i have been overall a happier person. i have realer conversations of substance and i feel like i am meeting people who are more worthwhile and have a lot to teach me...they are also receptive and i feel like they don't mind learning from me....

uhmmm---this is probably the moment in my life where i am freest almost...i have so much mobility in this place (kevin michael is not hot to write to--i'm such a Lauryn girl) it's almost like the more people you say F-you to, the better the quality of those who come around...

i don't talk to too much of anyone anymore from home. to be honest most of the people i chilled with were people i forced myself to be around. i always had to bite my tongue or disguise my interests, but being here i don't do that anymore. not for anyone or anything i wish to gain entrance to. it isn't worth compromising myself as a person. i am almost 100 percent within me, and i don't want to counter that.

idk what else to say really...but letoya luckett also is not a good writing choice, lol...my ipod is on shuffle and it isn't giving me what i need...plus it's really early, i'm such a night owl, lol.

well....i suppose i will write later or something, i wonder if they have an iPhone app for this thing...eh, anyway...peace love and righteousness.

Facebook Fast

okay...soooo i am fasting from facebook for a month. it's funny, a girl in my class asked me if it was for lent...i told her i'm not doing it for 40 days so i guess i'm more like pocket lent, lol, get it?

well anyway...hopefully this goes well. i know i will be on here often. i have so many thoughts and not much room to keep them--i often think so much that i get headaches...looking forward to a more productive month than the last and i can't wait to share my thoughts.