cry...

as a human being i feel as though i am susceptible to being hurt. but when hurt comes more than gratification one must learn how to channel those energies to other places as to not be let down any further.

i have not cried in almost a year...my eyes have been painfully dry and beyond my constant blinking i have been unable to moisten them.

sometimes i allow the shower water to crash onto my face just imitating the pattern of tears. i never thought i would wish to cry, but nothing seems to sadden me enough to force them from the hollow, barren ducts which once housed wells of salt water tears.

music moves my spirit. and although it causes my heart to shudder my eyes stay as empty as the day i held back my first cry. now, nearly a year later i am stuck in this purgatory of emotionless living. slipping into what i call "moods" to show my feelings because my face can't fully express what my soul is feeling.

the duality of my being sometimes fools even me. i do not understand my "moods" or when they will come....nor how long they will last or the severity of them.

i am not sure if anything can shake me from here but love or death.

scary right?

it's almost like i am not all the way human because no words or looks or actions can dethrone me from the nonchalance of my feeling...no matter how acute the urge is to just cry.

like a desert thirsting for water, i just have a hidden treasure of stuff that i want gone....just not sure how to make that happen.